Did you know that almost 50% of gay men have body dysmorphic disorder compared to 2.4% of straight men, and yet, on average, our body types are the same?
In this article, I will discuss the issues around gay body issues and how, if you are suffering from gay body image issues, you can break out of the cycle to be confident no matter how you look.
Body image is a common source of shame and validation for many gay men, regardless of their physical appearance. The pressure to have the 'right' body can be overwhelming, impacting self-esteem and social interactions.
On the gay scene, physical appearance often dictates how we are perceived and treated. Fitting in and receiving attention can make us feel validated, while not meeting these standards makes us feel invisible. This pressure can even discourage us from socialising in the gay scene.
Unfortunately, shaming others based on body image is often deemed acceptable.
My story with gay body image issues
My journey with gay body image issues has been challenging. After undergoing knee surgery, I dedicated myself to building a bodybuilder’s physique. I spent months dedicated to intense training and dieting, aiming for the 'perfect' body.
Just as I achieved my goal, I fell seriously ill and have struggled with my health since. This illness showed me how drastically the gay scene's perception can change based on my appearance.
Interestingly, I attracted some of the most attractive men during my lowest physical point.
It became clear that my confidence and how I presented myself were more important than my physical appearance.
When I felt confident, I had no trouble attracting others. Conversely, when my confidence waned, so did my interactions with people.
It was when I was at my most confident I could pull.
Through these ups and downs, I realised that true confidence comes from how we think about ourselves. No matter how I looked, my self-assurance significantly impacted how I was perceived.
My experience is not unique. Many gay men face similar pressures and challenges when it comes to body image.
How about you? If you’ve faced similar struggles, know that you’re not alone. Drop me an email, and we can talk!
Read on to discover practical strategies for overcoming body image issues and building self-acceptance.
1) Understand how common body image issues with gay men actually are
Shame is increased when we stay silent about our issues, thinking it is only us. So let’s start with exploring if gay body issues and gay body image issues are common among gay men - is it just you, or is it many people?
Body image issues are prevalent among gay men. Research shows that body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) affects 49.3% of gay men, compared to just 2.4% of the general male population. A huge difference!
The ideal body image for gay men is often the 'Adonis' type—both lean and muscular. Yet, despite most gay men having similar body mass index (BMI) averages to straight men, gay men report significantly higher dissatisfaction with their bodies.
In summary, as gay men, we look similar to straight men - but in terms of body image, we set far higher standards, and this, in turn, creates a vast difference in body image issues such as body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) amongst gay men compared to the rest of the population - just a reminder is 49.3% compared to 2.4% in the population.
It was only when researching this article that I realised how endemic this was: 49.3% of gay men suffering from BDD compared to 2.4% of straight men is extraordinary! It made me realise that I am not alone.
If you are struggling with body image - you are not alone - actually, most gay men are - regardless of how “good” they look or not. It is ”normal” to have this shame.
Have a think about what your biggest challenge is with body image. And then take a moment to think, is this just you, or is it very common? My guess is you will find yourself with many other gay men having a similar issue.
2) Where has this shame of body image come from?
Another step to build resilience to the shame we can have over our body image is to become aware of why we might have this shame.
Let’s see where the shame related to gay body image issues may have come from:
Male body image makes a tremendous amount of money. The US Men’s personal care market (grooming products only) was $30.8 billion in 2021, which is expected to grow 9.1% annually
Let’s consider the fitness industry (including gym and fitness), which is $244bn. The industry revenue is estimated to be approx $95.1bn in 2024 - 43% of gym goers are men, which gives an industry size of $40.8 billion.
Taking grooming and fitness together, this is an estimated market worth $71.6 billion. That is how much money men spend on their body image (be it gay or straight). That’s a tremendous amount of money.
The men's personal care and fitness industries are massive, with a combined market value of $71.6 billion. These industries profit by fostering insecurities and promoting unrealistic body standards. Constant exposure to idealised images equates physical appearance with success and desirability.
Let’s now do some critical thinking. Does this industry make money by making you feel happy with your appearance? Or does it make it by making you feel unhappy and by creating an ideal that is almost impossible to reach? And how much of this is embedded into how we react.
And then we, as gay men, are very attracted to the aesthetic of an adonis body type.
For example, let's compare these two images:
Which one do you react to more positively? Which one would you click for a YouTube thumbnail?
I would click on the more fit-looking person!
This is not to create more shame; we should not shame ourselves or others for finding the good-looking attractive, but we should be aware of how much we have been trained and configured to do that.
Most people would react more to the good-looking figure than the average—we have been conditioned to this through constant marketing, movies, magazines, and social media.
And finally, how do we view body type as a society?
It has been found that we associate certain body types with certain classes, affluence and success.
Summary of where our gay body shame comes from
So let’s summarise this
As gay men, statistically, we have the same body type as straight men
But we hold an idealised body image that is hard to achieve
A large proportion of gay men have issues with their body type (almost 50% have BDD)
There is a $71.6 billion industry focused on men (gay or straight) that wants to make us feel bad about our image, so we will pay money to change ourselves
We have been conditioned to see the idealised body image as being better to the point that it is a form of higher class, health, success, and economic situation if someone has this body.
Before you read through this, did you think you were isolated with your issues around body image? What do you think now - are you alone, or is it a common issue? Do you see why you have been brainwashed to dislike your body so you will pay money to change it and achieve this perceived success?
If you struggle, drop me an email - I want to set up a support group, and when I have enough people, we can all support each other.
A step you can take to help yourself is to think of the perfect gay man. And then check where you are in this. How true is it? We can be very good at finding those that make us feel worse about ourselves, validating our body image issues. But look for the reality and start to realise how common you are.
3) We need to understand that we are not alone in our struggle with gay body image issues
We need to understand that we are not alone in our issue with body image (no matter how good or not we might be perceived with it) and also explore where we get the messages that make us feel something is wrong.
It is worth noting that most of our shame triggers are driven by money or power, and our validation triggers by, as children, subconsciously deciding to fit in.
This is why it is so important to understand why these expectations exist.
By moving to see the big picture and normalising that you are not the only one, you can start to build shame resilience in the areas you have identified.
We then need to find trusted people to talk to about this. Another way to frame this is to avoid talking to people who will shame us. In any shame, there are people who can shame us more and people who can help. But especially with body image, it can be triggering to the people we talk to, and their own insecurities can come out.
Let me give three examples:
If you are good-looking but worried about your body image or fitting in - find someone who will listen and help you rather than someone who will reflect and say you have nothing to worry about
If you feel overweight - find someone who will not shame you for it
If you have health issues and your body type is changing - find people who will not take their own insecurities out of you and delight in the fact you are no longer as good-looking.
In all of these examples, we want to find someone who will listen to us, really hear us, and not give unhelpful solutions. Think about who the people are who will do that. Sometimes, we can struggle to find those people around us, but often, there are a few. Failing that, speak to a therapist or coach.
It is essential to do this. When my gym progress was going well, many friends were quiet about my appearance. But with all my health issues, many were quick to comment on how much weight I was gaining due to my insecurities about how they looked. And others said nothing, as they were also putting on weight and feeling insecure. I ended up using a therapist to help me! But I also looked at changing my friendship group to have people with whom I could talk about my shame.
Question: who can you talk to about your shame?
4) Focus on the underlying cause of the body image shame
As gay men, we have been hard-wired to look for validation. Be that gay body image issues or some other way.
Growing up in environments that often taught us we were unacceptable—not real men—deeply impacted us.
Something else happened to us that was as deep and damaging as shame. Something that occurred over many years of our formative childhood. Something deeper and more insidious. We came to believe deeply in our own unworthiness for love.
This core belief that we are unlovable or something is deeply wrong with us forms when we are young. It prevents us from growing and developing as emotionally healthy boys. Instead, we become frozen in our development and focus on presenting ourselves in a way that allows us to be accepted in the world—be that friends, family, work, or the world in general.
It stops us from forming a healthy sense of self.
This experience is proudly uncomfortable, so to alleviate the feeling and survive, we adopt tactics to make ourselves acceptable to those around us.
One fundamental way of trying to find validation is in our body image. Even those of us who have achieved it can struggle. And even if we do, we can still struggle with the belief there is something wrong with us and still wear masks to those we meet, trying to fit into the box.
I know this is a deeper shadow belief of mine. If I can have the perfect body, I will fit in, and everything will be OK. The belief that something is wrong with me, that I am unlovable, will finally disappear. But it is not true. When I accept myself as I am right now - regardless of how I look- I am at my most attractive. It is in the energy I give off.
And if we do not have a good body, we receive invalidation, and this means we avoid places where we might want to go and feel we don’t belong - especially on the gay scene.
We must move from living for validation to living based on who we are.
We can call this the authentic self. It is the self we would be if we did not care about others’ approval and validation.
A state where we can validate ourselves.
A life without judgement
The freedom to be exactly who you are, as you are right now
And to be that without apologies
Rather than a life where we constantly seek validation and change who we are for different people. Becoming a chameleon means hiding parts of ourselves from people in fear of rejection, isolation, and invalidation.
We can do this by starting the process to answer these questions:
Who are you?
What do you want?
Why are you here? ,
Where are you going?
Do you have anything worth living for?
Who do you trust?
Who do you serve?
These are not easy to answer immediately, but with time, by chipping away at them bit by bit, we can move forward and find our deep, genuine confidence.
If you want help with this, learn more about my coaching here.
And this is the deeper work that helps us move from shame around the body to deep, true confidence regardless of who we are.
Gay body images - A summary
The pressure to conform to an idealised body type can lead to significant mental health challenges with gay body images as gay men, but recognising that these pressures are artificially constructed by industries profiting from our insecurities can help us begin to dismantle them.
Reflecting on our personal experiences and acknowledging that many gay men share these struggles can foster a sense of solidarity and resilience. We can move towards a healthier and more authentic self-perception by challenging societal norms, seeking supportive environments, and focusing on inner confidence.
Remember, body image issues are not isolated or unique to you; they are a widespread challenge that many face. Building self-acceptance and true confidence is a journey that requires time, effort, and the support of understanding individuals.
Take the first step today by contacting a trusted friend, joining a support group, or seeking professional guidance. Embrace your authentic self and start living a life free from the constraints of unrealistic body expectations.
Working towards inner validation helps to move away from insecurities with our body image and toward true, deep confidence.
Ready to start your journey towards self-acceptance? Get my free gay confidence kit, or check out my coaching.