Over time, we start to feel restless, bored, and unfulfilled.
This can also manifest in other ways, such as becoming more angry with people over minor slights. Perhaps someone is late to meet us, and we feel furious about this.
Perhaps a promotion does not come through, or we are told we need to improve how we work or lead, and we feel this is an assault on ourselves.
Or perhaps we feel restless and bored, and our actions no longer work for us.
Or we close down completely, repressing parts of ourselves and resigning to the fact it is the only way to live.
Often, when we are struggling, we adopt tactics that can include:
Burying ourselves in our work
Never enjoying our successes but always aiming for the next success - for example, the next promotion
Getting the latest it item - for example, the latest Apple gadget
More sex - as the sex we already have does not satisfy us any more
Finding the best-looking person to have sex with
Shopping - buying more and more of the latest clothes and fashion, or perhaps buying the more expensive artwork
Drugs - going deeper and deeper into drugs to make everything feel better
Food - eating more
Drinking more
You choose only one metric to define your self-worth - for example - work or appearance
If you find yourself struggling or you feel bored and restless, if you are easily triggered to anger, and if you are using any of these tactics, they are signals you might be working and living a survival strategy.
So, what should a gay man do instead?
We need to move from surviving to thriving. In doing so, we can build our confidence.
Growing up, we might have needed the above strategies when we had no choice, but it is important to note we do not need them now. We are no longer in a place where we are confused children doing whatever we need to survive.
We are grown adults with our own agency and choices, but we often still use the strategies we developed when we were young.
We need to decide to stop and choose another way of being and doing. One that starts to reclaim the glory of what makes us unique and special. One that allows us to act according to what provides us joy and fulfilment and moves us to a place where we can belong.
Choosing a different path from the one we have found ourselves on can be immensely scary. Even if we feel bored, listless, full of fear or anger, or we feel we are spilling in a more destructive direction, we often do not want to change as our path is safe.
It was the path that allowed us to survive, after all.
It is a curse because we do not know what we want and face the challenge of deciding the best life for us from infinite options.
But the first step is to be who we were meant to be, to choose to be unhindered by the precepts of survival, unhindered by what our friends and family, what society says we should be, or even the gay scene say we should be.
And in doing so, we shed the mask, live unapologetically, and let our true self shine.
How do gay men figure out the right life for them?
We become Gay Explorers. Gay Warriors and Gay Nurturers. Find out how in the next article. Or check the first article in the series.