When subjected to prolonged shame, we struggle to be kind and love ourselves.
My Lack of Nurturer
I am often my worst critic. Part of this comes from what I put into my shadow. As I grew up under huge relenting shame, my younger self decided to try and become perfect.
If I made no mistakes, acted in a way that everyone would leave me alone, and did well at school, I would be okay.
I call this being in thrall to the shadow of the Perfector.
I can now look back and see how awful it was for someone who was 12/13 to decide to be perfect - how much it has distorted my life and still does at times.
I became my worst critic. I berated myself when something went wrong, especially if I did something that led to name-calling. Anything that went wrong around me was my fault.
I took that with me for decades. Years later, I still do this: I punish myself and correct myself as my inner critic.
Being our worst critic does not help build our confidence but destroys it.
Move from a critic to our Gay Nurturer
As I have taken steps to grow my inner hurting voice, I have been shocked at how much criticism and cynicism are in my head. Some of this was because of how I had been treated, and some was due to my Perfector tendencies. But it has meant the inside of my mind has been a hostile, cynical place
Now, this has led me to succeed in unique ways. But it means my thought process and reaction to myself have been stern and critical, with very little love and very little to no praise but a lot of criticism and rigid beliefs about myself.
Occasionally, I will often punish myself for not doing better, even when affection or a hug might be better.
If I could go back in time, I would tell my younger self that nothing is wrong with me, that I am perfect the way I am. It is good to strive to become good at something and to succeed, but when I fall and fail, that is also okay. All I need to do is learn and pick myself up again, but I do not need to punish myself.
Often, we want someone else to provide this to us—a boyfriend or partner. This is why so many of us can long for a boyfriend or partner to give us the validation and love we cannot give ourselves.
But we must give this to ourselves, not a boyfriend or lover. They can help in their way, but the first step has to come from within.
Everyone should have an inner nurturing voice. But often, we do not.
And so today and now, I try to grow my inner voice. I allow it to hear me and feel what I need and how I can give that to myself. Often, it is love. Often, it is to remark on the great work I have done.
Creating an inner voice can be a long process, and I am still creating mine now.
However, a simple first step is to mediate using something called loving-kindness.
The first time I ever did this alone, I burst into tears. It was because it was the first time in 36 years I had ever hugged myself and used a nurturing voice with myself
So, we need to explore ourselves and develop a loving inner voice that gives us the validation and love we need without needing another person.
And this is the first step to finding that warm hug of belonging.
Check out the next article on training your gay warrior, or check out the first article in this series.